The A Word

 If you're at all in any circle that in any way comes into contact with someone autistic, you've probably seen all that is going around concerning the movie "Music" by Sia. I haven't given it a watch, because I really don't know if I could sit through it, but from the clips I've seen, it's incredibly offensive. 

The main argument, which I agree with, is that the movie's main character (played by Maddie Ziegler) is neurotypical and plays a pretty severe caricature of an autistic person. 

Within that discussion has been a much more important one, with actual autistics discussing media that portrays autistic and neurodiversity in a respectful way. Most of the depictions in media have grown to be slightly less offensive and slightly more understanding of individual needs and experiences. There are several shows that have done some homework before putting autistic people into a storyline, ones that show respect and understanding to the character and allow for their wishes to be respected. 

What is harder to find is a show that portrays what a family goes through with a child on the spectrum, and what it's like for those around them. It seems like the vast majority of depictions of families focus on either the dysfunction it causes or the trials that the diagnosis causes. 

Which gets me to the show "everyone" has been discussing recently, claiming it to be a respectful depiction of an autistic child and his family, The A Word. On the surface its another British drama series set in semi-rural England, focusing on a five year old's (Joe) diagnosis and his family through the process. 

Joe's family is a blended one, with extended family nearby. He lives with his parents and half sister. Next door his uncle and aunt and somewhere in town his grandfather is never far. At the time of his diagnosis, the family is also going through some family shifts with the aunt and uncle moving in and his father opening a restaurant. All very stressful things. 

There's another British show that I hold in high esteem as far as depicting special needs parenting, There She Goes, and The A Word is not in any way similar. I do feel though, that it has a very relevant place in the world. 

What There She Goes portrays so beautifully is a poignant view into a family that was straddled with a life long disability in one of their children. It feels real, it feels genuine, and if you've been in those shoes, it cuts close to home. 

The A Word deals with another type of very authentic, but significantly different point of view. It's the point of view of parents that simply do not understand their child. Their child is so obviously in need of so many things, but his parents are so hopelessly determined to do it a different way that they both force Joe to suffer as well as their marriage. Their grief and process of dealing with the diagnosis their child has been given is genuine, their love for him endless, but watching from the sidelines all I can feel is pity for the child. 

As my husband and I have sat there and watched, we've repeatedly screamed "NO!" at the TV. Watching his parents talk past him, his father attempting to get him to stifle his outbursts, and his mother's constant insistence on not using the word "autism" is a test in patience. But even then, those parents are out there, and I know I've met them.  

Which gets me to why I'm here. Last night after watching an episode my husband and I began to discuss what it was that we actually liked about the show. The best I could come up with, was that it was reverse competency porn. Basically watching someone do it wrong, was making me feel like I was doing it right. I'm not sure if its the best description, but it's the best I can muster. 

Watching a child that so desperately needs to be loved for who he is, being put through the trials of his parents own journey with the diagnosis, is difficult. It made me think a lot about my own journey, the fears, the disappointments, all of the worries. I had, and have, those. These fears are all fears parents have for their child. No one wants their child to be at a disadvantage because of a diagnosis, but at the cost of their personhood? 

What I've learned in the short two years as the parent of an autistic child is this, my kid is brilliant, and so is every child with autism. We are the ones who do not possess the abilities to see it. Neurotypicals are the ones at the disadvantage. Joe, and every other child with autism deserves to be loved, nourished and celebrated for who he is. No autistic child should be denied things that they love for the sake of "normal" appearances. We should never as parents, or a society, expect that the behavior of an autistic child should change, when we are the ones more capable of adaptation. But most of all, we as a generation need to foster the understanding of neurodiversity while freely giving support and acclimation to all who need it. Joe deserves that, as do all of our autistic community.